Welcome to the bottom of the internet my friend. You have found my little temporary blog. I am gonna end this blog in 90 days. I won't delete any of the stuff i was writing but i will stop posting. I am gonna post something everyday for 90 days if things doesn't go wrong. I am just planning to unfuck my life in 90 days and thought it would be a good idea to build a blog just to keep me going and keep my sanity while i am trying to fix my life. I am not expecting my life to completely change in 90 days but i am expecting to gain some healthy habits. This is something like a diary but also i am planning to talk about various stuff. All of the stuff i will talk about here are just gonna be my mumblings. Nothing important, nothing particularly brilliant. And before i forget to mention, this blog might contain some bad language. I hope you enjoy reading my brain diarrhea.
WHO AM I?
I am a loser in his early 20s. I live in a 3rd world shithole. English is not my native language neither do i have half decent writing skills. Currently i have no friends, no job, no skills and totally wasted my entire life so far. I live with my family. I am not gonna talk about them much but i definitely has been born in the wrong family. My mom did not show any sign of love to me. She always hated me. And i grew up with crapload of domestic violence. My dad mentions how big of a loser i am in every possible chance. He talks about how he had a job when he was in my age and also got married. He also says all of his efforts on me was a total waste. Like he put any effort on raising me. I usually share nothing with my dad. Nothing with my family in general. They never ask how i feel. They never check me. I once got real fucking sick. I spent 2-3 days in my room. Only left for toilet. I did not even eat anything for 2 days straight. After i got healed a little then i was able to see my mom. Dad wasn't even with us at the moment. And after i asked why she did not check on me only thing she did was laughing her ass off. She did not even realise i was sick as shit. If i die one day they probably would find my dead body 1 week later.
I don't even have my own room here in my parents' house. I sleep on a couch. I am broke as fuck as you can guess. I have absolutely 0 cash and 0 balance in my bank account. I am writing this on my 10 year old laptop. I actually like this piece of junk. It makes some nice fan noises. It sounds like a diesel engine. I changed many of its parts including keyboard. I cannot watch 720p 60fps videos, that's my only complaint, otherwise i have an emotional bond with my laptop. I had a chance to change it in the past but i didn't. It felt so wrong. I also have another laptop, it is also old as shit, i bought it second hand, but i use this one to study because that relatively newer laptop has a garbage keyboard.
Other than financial issues i have some serious health problems. I smoke 1 pack of cigarettes every day. I started to smoke just about a year ago. That was a retarded fucking decision. Now i have withdrawal syndrome like a junkie. It's been almost 2 days since i smoked a ciggie. Now i am about to lose my mind. Physical addiction totally fucking sucks. It feels like someone is squeezing my head with a hydraulic press. But i am determined. This time i am gonna quit that shit. I don't have any money left to buy some ciggies anyways. And sedentary lifestyle fucked me up. After this pandemic shit started i barely left the home. I used to hit the gym 5 days in a week. I was in an ok shape. I was lifting weights since 15. But with that pendemic a severe depression hit me. I had no motivation to workout. I was eating like a pig. As a result i turned into a sack of potato. My smoking addiction getting combined with me being fat and not leaving my house created crapload of problems. I have no fucking energy as a result of depression and my horrible lifestyle. I drink 3 cups of coffee everyday just to feel normal. If i move my fatass even for going into kitchen i get a breath shortage. And being alone for years resulted with me losing all my social skills and almost made me lose my fucking mind. Maybe I already lost it. I cannot say I am a perfectly sane person anymore. On top of all that i slowly lose my hair due to all that stress and crappy diet. My libido left my body, my dick doesn't work as it used to. And my back is killing me. In my early 20s i feel like 40.
I am a college student (on paper). I study computer science in the shittiest "college" one can imagine. I failed 80% of all classes for 3 years straight. Last few years i only took online classes like many other people. And did not even bother taking the exams. I don't think this shit is working for me. I won't keep complaining about my school but i might mention it in my future posts. As a result this school did not teach me shit. Part of the problem is me. I won't blame the egomaniac teachers for everything but they play a huge role on me losing all my passion.
I live in a country that has no future and no hope. It is corrupt as fuck, being ruled by thieves and traitors, full of retarded people with no education, every smart and educated people leaving the country one by one, has no freedom of speech, balls deep into religion. And economy is about to collapse. That seems like a global fashion nowadays. Future doesn't seem bright. I wish i could go back to childhood when politics, global problems and uncertainty of future did not bother me at all. All the crap happening all day fucking kills me. When you are alone even the smallest thing can make you overreact. You are in a constant rollercoaster of emotions. A sane person wouldn't give a fuck about many of the stuff that bothers me. But when you are a loser with no friends you just cannot ignore it. This is the curse of internet, it makes you realise everyhing is not just sunshine and rainbows. You see all the crap happening all around the world and realize how big of a shithole the entire world is.
When i was dealing with all this crap, while having crapload of problems with my family, school and all other shit, a global pandemic hit. This was the beginning of 2020. I remember the first days of lockdown. I was alone at home. My mom, sister and dad has left. I was alone for about 3 weeks. Those 3 weeks were the absolute worst 3 weeks of my life. Like all the shit i was dealing with was not enough. Prior to all that, i was dealing with anxiety. I know that shit became a buzzword, nobody gives a fuck about anxiety anymore. I didn't give a damn either, until i had a life threatening experience one day. I was feeling like something is gonna happen in any moment, something that is gonna kill me or I am gonna sleep and never gonna wake up. I was constantly in fear. I couldn't sleep at all. I was waking up at nights in terror. Anxiety definitely doesn't go well with depression. I had a lot of experience with depression, but i realised what it actually is in this short period of time. I never had such agonizing experience in my life before. If you would peel my skin off and pour a bucket of salt all over my body it wouldn't hurt that much. I was walking around the house like a lunatic. I was feeling like a corpse. I was barely leaving my bed. Sometimes even spent the entire day without leaving the bed. I couldn't taste the food, i couldn't enjoy anything. I was feeling like there is a ton of weight on my chest. I had a lot of time to think. Had a lot of conversations with myself. I have been in the absolute bottom of the hell. I was really deep in existential crisis. Another buzzword nobody fucking cares. I always had some form of existential crisis since i lost all of my faith in religion. But i always distracted myself from reality. But when you are really deep in depression, you just cannot fool yourself. All the harsh truth of reality hits you in the face. No wonder why people came up with that lie called religion. When first you question the religion and realise it is a total bullshit you feel angry, you start to hate it. But i totally can understand why people buy it now. Existential crisis might sound like a fancy made-up illnes all those pseudo intellectual fuckers have, but there is nothing fancy about it. It makes you feel like a worthless piece of trash and it kills every piece of your ego. Not evertyhing about it are horrible though. On the bright side it matures you, it humbles you and it either makes you or breaks you. Some can handle it better than others. But if you have been brainwashed with lies since your childhood when reality hits you in the face you don't greet it with calm. It usually fucks you up and kills every bit of enery inside of you. Nothing you do actually matters after all, why even bother doing something with your life? All of your dreams, all the ambition for fame, changing the world, becoming someone powerful, getting all the money, none of that shit matters. They are all stupid and naive. They are as meaningful as a hole in the sand has been digged by an ant. It is a tiny little hole that has no meaning for rest of the world. But it is a lifetime effort for the ant. This is how meaningful all human achievements are. Existence is a cruel fucking joke. And you don't even have a free will. Nothing is fair, nothing is perfect, nothing makes sense. If life is sticking its dick into your face you have no other option than sucking it. Do i sound like a total fucking edgelord? Maybe i am. But that doesn't change the fact that most of the stuff i said are the truth. I am being completely honest here. There are only 2.3 people are gonna be reading all the stuff i will be writing here. If you still want to believe that i am a tryhard edgelord who wants to sound cool i don't give a damn. Twitter would be a better option for me if i wanted some attention. I am a human being and i need to dump all my ideas in some way. I know my internet presence won't last that long, but i am a social animal like any other human being. I need to shout all the stuff that has been bothering me. Internet is a great place for that despite not having any freedom of speech nowadays. That's part of the reason why I am planning to fly under the radar, only sharing all of my crap with handful of people here in this dark corner of the cyberspace.
This is where i end this neverending preface. Sorry for my crappy english and thanks for reading.