FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL

For my entire life I thought that I don't deserve to be loved. I grew up without any affection. Even my mother did not love me. And women were all some sort of alien creatures, impossible to decipher. I did not even try to understand what women want, what women love and how to become a desirable man.

For a very long time I was thinking that I will probably spend my entire life alone. Things got slightly better for me over time. At certain points in my life I was full of confidence and some other times I had absolutely zero self-esteem. And when I totally lost the touch with the entire world, finding a girlfriend was not even an interest for me. I neither had motivation nor enough self-esteem for it. I stayed in my room for so long that I don't even remember when was the last time I have seen a female of any kind. Years of loneliness and depression shaped me into the kissless, hugless virgin I am.

I spent majority of my early 20s in misery. While all my friends were having fun, enjoying life, spending time with their girlfriends I was just wasting away, day by day. It just kills me inside that I spent most valuable years of my life being a miserable fucking cunt. Even in high school I managed push all the girls away. Doesn't matter how much attention I got from ladies, I couldn't gain any confidence. A couple of them even asked me out but I had so little confidence that I could not even imagine being with a girl, so I rejected them. A buddy of mine even tried to introduce me to a girl, it was the most awkward thing I have ever done. I did not even look at her face and wanted to leave as soon as possible. Years have faded away, as my youth, my joy, my hopes and my sanity. And now I can never bring those years back.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say. I totally believe that. Everyone has their own preferences. As I grew older, my taste has refined. It has been shaped by all my previous crushes and people that has been in my life. All the events, all the relationships, maybe even childhood traumas shapes the face of that "ideal beauty". I have met with a woman on the internet a couple months ago. I could not believe my eyes when I first saw her. She looked almost perfect to my liking. The cutest face I have ever seen. If I had an opportunity of designing, shaping and crafting a woman, I could not do a better job. I had to ask myself if I am dreaming, so many times. After we had a video chat, I was convinced that I am neither dreaming nor getting catfished.

She has the cutest voice I have ever heard, most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, loveliest and most delicious looking lips I could ever think of. That cute, lovely face of hers sets up a flame in my heart every time I look at her. I almost don't wanna look at her pictures all the time because I never wanna get tired of it. She just looks so innocent. Like a newborn baby. Love surely does not happen at first sight, and she definitely grew on me. We started talking more and more. I wanted to spend most of my awake time talking to her.

The internet has told me that you can never be emotionally vulnerable with a woman, can never talk about your mental struggles or she will leave you. They told me that women can tolerate no sign of weakness and you should be cold, emotionless and confident. Either I have been lied to or I have been talking to an angel. I shared all my emotions with her, gave her all my deepest, darkest secrets. I was afraid she would leave but she got more and more attached to me. She is not only the cutest looking woman but also the most compassionate, most affectionate and the sweetest one I have ever seen. Soon after knowing her more, I knew that I fell in love. And I knew that she likes me as well. She was always giving me nice compliments.

After finally having enough courage, I told her about my feelings. There isn't any feeling on earth that is more satisfying than being loved by someone you are in love with. And this is how we started dating. First couple days, I was anxious. I really wasn't ready for a relationship but I had to tell her because I did not want someone else to steal her from me. I need to fix a lot of things in my life before I can see her. She told me that she can wait for me until I find a job and move there. She lives in a whole different country. Very far away from my homeland.

Love surely has a bittersweet taste, at least for me. As we got more and more intimate, she gave me this weird sensation I have never felt before. She made me warm and dizzy. She gave me emotions I didn't even know I was capable of feeling. People I know always think that I am totally emotionless because I look very cold from the outside. My face is often expressionless. Some even told me that I am a total robot and I am not capable of feeling anything. But I always had an emotional, soft and feminine side. I have just done a great job hiding it. Only she could make me show that weak and emotional side. And she made me comfortable with those feelings.

I am a very strange man. I really cannot be with someone if I receive no love. I never looked for a one night stand relationship and dating culture of today absolutely disgusts me. Many of my friends were regularly paying for sex workers but I cannot even stomach doing such thing. While most men has no problem plowing through dozens of women, I am simply repulsed by the idea. Men has all sorts of weird fantasies. If internet teach me anything, it is that everything can be turned into a fetish. In my head I only dreamed of affection. My biggest fantasy was just sleeping in the arms of my beloved. I am not saying that my mind has not been stained by all the filth and adult imagery internet has to offer. In reality, I only have mild interests. I could not even enjoy the sexual intercourse if I sense that I am not desired. I am ashamed to admit that I have so many feminine traits.

Have you ever got a broken heart? I always thought people make a big deal of it, in the past. But years have taught me that emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. And if your loved one hurts you, that's the worst pain imaginable. Something was bothering me so much for the last few days. The fate finally took pity on me and gave me a chance to feel happy. For a while I was the happiest man on earth. And then it totally ruined me. The fate has raised me up so much only to drop me down from a great height.

A few days ago I asked her about previous relationships. She already knew that I never had a girlfriend and she is okay with it. She told me that she had 4 boyfriends before and she is not a virgin. I never thought it would bother me so much but it did. I am not a conservative or a religious person by any means. And if you asked my opinions on virginity a few weeks ago I would say that it means nothing to me. As I asked more and more questions, I felt even more crushed. She told me that she also had occasional sex with some of her friends, 2 in total. She said that they took advantage of her. Which made me feel even more uncomfortable.

You cannot imagine how I felt after learning this. It was like someone was crushing my ribs until they turn to dust. I could not even breathe. This is by far the worst I have ever felt in my life. I believe that if they cut me up into pieces and set me on fire, it would not hurt this much. I first tried to play it cool but I simply couldn't. I told her that I absolutely feel horrible but I still love her. And I told her that I will be fine. She assured me that there is no man in her life other than me and she feels nothing for those men. She also told me how much she hated her previous relationships. But I could not simply calm myself down the entire day. I even shed a few tears.

For the last few days I was waking up from some of the most horrible nightmares I have ever seen. I keep seeing nightmares about getting cucked by other men. The other day I have seen a nightmare where she was getting both of her holes filled by two guys and when I tried to touch her she did not even let me. You cannot imagine how disgusted I feel when I am writing these. And yesterday I have seen a nightmare where she was covered in blood and giving her dying breath on my arms. My subconsciousness has no boundaries when it comes to fucking up my psyche. My mind always finds the most creative ways of tormenting me.

You will think that I am a horrible person and I should be ashamed for all these nasty feelings. I still love her and I am hoping that I will make my peace with her past. It just kills me everyday that all parts of her body has been touched by other men while I can only dream of holding her in my arms. Her delicious lips has been stained by men who did not love her and look at her the way I did. That cute and lovely voice said so many nice things to men who betrayed her. While it melts my heart looking at that cute and innocent face, others have done nasty things to it. Maybe I am overreacting. I cannot even blame her. She spend most of her young and valuable years doing what nature intended while I was missing out on life. And now I am acting like a sore loser. Maybe living in a conservative shithole fucked up my mind beyond repair.