THE BREAKING POINT

When I started this project the plan was to fix my life in 3 months. It's been more than 3 years now. I guess I am not so good at planning. I did not write a single post over the last 8 months and last few people who were reading my shit now probably forgot about this blog.

Usually when I come back after a long period with no update I talk about how worse everything got and how little has changed for me. Not this time though. Because in a few days I am leaving my country to see my beloved. We will start living together. I finally leave everything behind and start over. Not everyday people get a second chance in life. It feels like I totally reborn. After all those years of suffering.

Last 7-8 months were totally wild. I don't even know where to start. I was busy. Real busy. I probably changed 4-5 jobs at this point. I have a lot to say about wage slavery but I save most of it for my future blog posts. At certain points I was working 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week all for a salary much less than a minimum wage in a 3rd world shithole such as mine. I have been treated like a piece of dirt, on top of all the shit I was going through. I got injured several times, albeit not something big. I was barely getting 3 hours of sleep a day, for several months. I was eating so bad and working so hard that I lost 50 pounds in 1.5 months.

You could probably sense my despair from the things I said in my previous posts. I was at the wit's end. I spent a solid month or two rotting in my room with severe depression. I was miserable before too, but at no point in my life I cried like a loser. But the pain was so immense that I couldn't help. I was waking up early in the morning for a walk at the park near my house, with a mind full of thoughts. I was trying my best to hide my tears. Whenever I talk to anybody, my voice was shaking. Anybody with eyes and ears could tell that I was a living, breathing corpse. I lost all hopes of seeing my girlfriend or having any future where I am not a deadbeat loser. I was crying myself to sleep every single night.

I begged her to leave me, I have done every single mistake a man can do in a relationship. I begged her so many times to leave me. She did not give up on me. Even though I gave up on myself several times. At the lowest point of my life I was plotting a suicide. I stole a few bullets from my dad's drawer, as well as his Walther PPK. I planned everything. Even picked up a location. I was gonna end my life in the middle of nowhere, where nobody could reach up to save me. They would probably find my corpse after the maggots already finished eating halfway through my body.

I broke her heart way too many times over the stupidest reasons. In one occasion I told her that I am gonna kill myself. She said that she will follow me if I do that. This was the end of all suicidal thoughts for me. I could never do that to her. Because I care about her life more than I care about my own.

I then found myself a job to save up some money. Even though I knew that it would take me several years to save enough money for traveling. It was still better than doing nothing. At this point she told me that she is saving up money to see me as well. Said that if I cannot go to her, she will come to me. She was still working a minimum wage job and living with a friend of hers at this point. I could never imagine someone putting up so much effort for me.

Things got much, much better for us two. I finally found a less insufferable job with better pay and she moved out to a bigger city. Around the same time I came in contact with my brother once again. He helped me financially. This made things much easier.

It's been more than 2 weeks since I quit my last job and started preparing for my flight. I got rid of most of my belongings, all my old clothes, my books, emptied my drawers. And few days later, I will be holding her in my arms.

During this time period, I also discovered that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. It explains so many things about me. It only became clear after I got into a relationship. I said so many nasty things to my beloved. One day she is the sweetest thing in the world for me, the other day she is the devil itself. I came very close to breaking up with her so many times. Luckily though she is actually the sweetest woman on earth, so that she forgave me all the time. It explains my wild mood swings, my impulsiveness and the superior talent of fucking up my life.

I suspect that I have it because of an event happened early in my childhood. I don't even wanna talk about it. I will not give details but I got raped by a female relative of mine when I was 5 years old. It traumatized me so bad that, the whole thing was erased from my mind for solid 12 years. I suddenly remembered the whole thing one night.

After I started reading about it, I realized how common cluster B personality disorders are. And how lame it is that BPD is mostly associated with bitches with daddy issues. The whole "feminine side" I thought I had was nothing but a mental disorder. But now that I know about it, I can learn to differentiate between intrusive BDP thoughts and reality. I heard there are certain therapies that helps. But I don't know where can I find a shrink who will not outright scam me.

And just like this, a new chapter in my life has started.