Perhaps the heaviest things we lift are not our weights, but our feels.


I am back to lifting again. After 6 months of lifting like a pussy and 6 months of being a couch potato I am back to lifting. I was working out for almost 8 years. Last few years were not my best in terms of lifting. I did not even touch weights 6 months straight. I am currently a land whale. Before I started to slack and totally stop lifting I was in a decent shape. Not super model type of look but i had shitton of muscle. I was so used to being the biggest guy in the gym. Prior to that I was bulky as hell. I looked like a sumo wrestler in his prime. I could lift really heavy but did not like how i look. It was that point i decided to lose weight. And i did. As i said i was in an ok shape. Then depression hit me. First I stopped lifting then I started to get fat.


If you are in a similar type of situation I want to give you a piece of advice. I used to be really obsessed with bodybuilding and at some point with powerlifting. I was so damn afraid of losing muscle. I couldn't diet properly. Whenever I started to diet I ended up gaining 10 pounds. Now i see how retarded I was. Muscle comes back. You shouldn't really worry about it. Don't eat like an animal in order to build muscle or never be afraid of diet. Don't get scared of cardio. I experienced it myself in the past. It's been times I totally stopped lifting and turned back. I always could recover and gain all my muscle mass back. I never stopped lifting this long though. You should not worry about situations like this either. I am not so upset about my shape because I know I can recover from this. As long as you have the knowledge and passion you can always fix it. It is not end of the world. No matter how much you fucked up your physique. I see a lot of people who are worrying about this, there were even some people suicided because of this. We lost many great professional athletes during the pandemic. I totally can understand it. Some people totally rely on sports in order to keep their sanity.


As I said I was really obsessed with getting huge. Luckily I did not touch to steroids. But it would be a damn lie if I say I did not consider it. Now I don't care about size. All my goal is to get in a healthy shape and be athletic. I know many people have this sickness called "bigorexia" specially in the bodybuilding community. It is not about looking good, not about being strong. At that point it is all about hiding your insecurities. I don't feel ashamed to admit I have insecurities. I grew up in domestic violence and bullying. After I hit puberty I turned into a freak. Bodybuilding was everything for me. I could eat anything to get those proteins. I could poison myself with caffeine to be able to lift tiny bit more. But now I see this shit has no point. There is always a bigger fish. That doesn't mean i won't try my best to build as much muscle as i can and get as strong as i can. Because I am so damn sure no matter how hard I try I will newer look like gorilla in human form. I am into lifting enough to know my genetic potential is far from being perfect. If you are not a steroid freak you don't need to worry about getting too big. I am just happy to say I won't try some stupid shit in order to get huge or get jacked. And bodybuilding is not a lifestyle bro. You better get a life if you think like that.


It's been a week again and I did not post anything. But no worries, I will fix my mistake. As I said, I won't end this project until I done posting 90 entries. I was mostly thinking and planning my future in this period of time. And of course i was wasting my time. I got some bad news from my buddy. I am not gonna give details but his problems are my problems. If I hear bad news from him it ruins my entire day. Other than that I am happy to say I finally know my true passion. I want to travel. It takes money and time I know. But whatever, i will try my best to achieve this goal.