END OF THE TUNNEL
I can see the light. Shinning from a distance, very dimly. I cannot put the pieces together but the puzzle is complete enough to make me think my demise is very close. Maybe I am a pessimist, or maybe a realist. This is pretty vague for now. I am totally screwed and last remaining hope I had is slowly slipping off my hands. I once believed anxiety is a made up illness, now I am suffering from the most extreme form of it.
How one can fuck up this badly? I wasn't the unluckiest person on earth. Cannot claim that I born under the most horrid circumstances. I had multiple chances to save myself. I could start a new life, I could build myself a somewhat decent career even though I am some sort of a retard. Mental retardation is prominent in my lineage.
I always questioned myself despite some compliments I got from those around me. It is easy to hide your stupidity. A couple fancy words, talking about random lesser known subjects and everyone thinks you are an intellectual. But deep down I knew that I am mediocre at best. Maybe I gave up too early on my passions. People always said I have somewhat decent artistic talent and I should become an artist or something. I believed that for a while until I realized shit I draw is total garbage. They said I have talent for sports and I should become an athlete or something. I believed that too until I realized I am not blessed by optimal genetics for sports. I was just your average gymbro. I had a thing with words as well, you cannot see it from the garbage I dump in here. But I could speak well with a lot of confidence. But all I was saying was some nonsense. Had no real talent for anything. I was just a mediocre kid leaving an impression on below mediocre people. It is easy to make yourself believe you are special because most people has no passion and doesn't put any effort into anything. You can convince them you are talented. They don't know that you are worthless in the eyes of a true professional. They are not really involved in your hobbies to realize your cheap tricks are nothing compared to what others can do.
I made my peace with mediocrity that's not the problem. I just don't have enough time anymore. And situation is hopeless in my country. It is just a matter of time I find myself on streets. I lied to my parents. I told them I will finish the school this year, they will probably realize this was a bullshit sooner or later. They will see that I did not even try. It won't happen. I thought that would buy me some time to get a job. The goal was to build myself a career in the field of computers. I now have a couple months until the semester. And I have an ocean full of challenges. Doesn't seem plausible to me that I can save myself from this situation. One minor problem can fuck up everything forever. I cannot afford to get sick, I cannot afford losing this garbage laptop I use, I cannot afford having a week off.
Getting a dead end job is out of question. Not that I cannot withstand some hard labor. The unemployment rates in my country is just unbelievable. And once I put myself in that position, there is no way of turning back. I won't have time to put some effort into learning and building a career on web business. Once I become a wagie I will remain a wagie until end of my life. And there is the fact that the minimum wage doesn't even cover the costs of living.
I really don't know what to do. I just want to run. Run as fast as I can until I die out of exhaustion. I want to run until I reach to the end of the world. I want to run like the death itself is chasing me. I want to throw myself out and run, with no shoes, with no clothes, until the light goes out.