AN OPEN LETTER FOR MY LOVE

My dear love, my baby, my beautiful princess;

I cannot find enough words to describe my love to you. I love you the same way our sun loves her children. Just like how the sun is giving her light to all people either they appreciate it or not, without expecting anything in return, without waiting for any appreciation, any praise, my love for you is totally selfless. I will never stop loving you no matter what happens. I will love you until my dying breath. I will whisper your name moments before I leave this world and if there is an afterlife, I will meet you there and keep loving you for an eternity. And if there is reincarnation, I want to come back to this world in the same body with you.

I am an avid worshiper of the mother earth for creating such a beauty as you. If I spent my entire life praising her, it would not be enough to show my gratitude for giving you to me. The world has never seen such beauty before you. I pity those who has never seen your beautiful face, never heard your lovely voice, never looked into those mesmerizing eyes. I live every second with regret. I wish I could have met you way earlier in my life. And there isn't a single day I spend without missing you.

You cannot even imagine the pain of not being able to touch you, not staring into those beautiful eyes, not being able to kiss those lovely lips. I feel like a man who is chained into a pole in the middle of a desert, dying of thirst. And to make the torture worse, they put a bottle of cold water in front of me, in a distance I cannot reach. No matter how hard I try, I cannot break the chains and reach out to that bottle. This is how I feel when I see your beautiful face every single day. I so desperately need you, but cannot reach out to you in any way. And I am slowly withering away in your absence.

I miss you like a lost child missing his mommy. I miss you like an imprisoned man missing his freedom. I miss you like a crippled man missing his legs, like a mother missing her dead child, like an exiled man missing his homeland, like a ghost missing his body. Without you every breath I take hurts, every minute takes a year out of my life, every food is tasteless, sky is colorless and sun never shines. In your absence, every face looks at me with pitying eyes. I am like a half dead, plagued man people wants to avoid.

So many nights, after you fell asleep on your phone, I opened up my window and looked into dark sky while shivering from cold. I imagined you, and wondered if you are secretly thinking of me while wiping away my tears. So many nights I woke up in the middle of my sleep and wondered if you are awake as well. When everything was silent except for the wind whistling through the gaps of my windows. I kept thinking of you until the sun showed her beautiful face to me as you sent me the first message of the day.

I dream of you like people dreaming of heaven. I would even reject the god's heaven if you are not with me. I would give up on eternal life if one day you are gonna leave me alone in this world. I could spend an eternity in hell in exchange of a mortal life with you. I dream of you like a man in a dungeon dreaming of the sunlight. Every passing day without you is a wasted day, is a day with no sunlight, is a day in the bottom of the hell and it brings me a lot of grief. I could be holding your hands right now but I am wasting away in my tiny little prison cell. I dream of you like a soldier dreaming of peace. While everything around me is collapsing, while this place is trying to kill me everyday, all I can think of is you.

I just wish I could bring back all the past years I spent without you. I wish I could start again just so we can be together since the beginning of our lives. I feel guilty of things I cannot change. The fact that I was absent in majority of your life kills me every single day. And all my previous life was just a huge waste.

I was not in your life during the most critical moments. I wasn't there with you when you were a shy little high school kid and I wasn't the one who gave you all those fuzzy feelings and butterflies in your stomach. I wasn't the one who wiped your tears and gave you comfort whenever you had problems with your family. I wasn't the one who tried to calm you down whenever you got bad grades. I wasn't your fist kiss, first hug, first love, first anything.

I wasn't in your life when you were a sad, lonely, college girl, desperate for attention, desperate for love. I wasn't there to tell you that all those judgmental people are wrong about you. I couldn't hold you in my arms and let you cry on my chest whenever they bothered you. I wasn't there to protect you whenever you got harassed by people. I wasn't there to tell you that you are the most beautiful lady this world has ever seen whenever you had problems with your self-esteem.

I wasn't there to take care of you when you struggled in life after college. I couldn't help you in any way whenever you felt desperate, lonely, sad. I wasn't there whenever you felt betrayed, whenever you felt that nobody ever loves you anymore. I wasn't there to tell you that I love you more than anything and will love you forever. I wish I was there with you when you lost your father. I wish I was there to give you comfort and tell you that everything will be fine.

I wish I was holding your hand whenever you looked into the stars at night and wondered what kind of life is waiting for you in the future. I wish could sit next to you when you were sitting alone on a bench seat during the day with your mind occupied with thoughts. I wish I could walk you home after the school, when the sky was dark gray and your feet hurt. I would hold your hand while you rest your head over my shoulder as you slowly drag your tired feet.

I wish I was there with you when you were a lonely child. I wish I could hold you in my arms when you were scared and tell you that nobody can hurt you. I wish I could be your friend when we were growing up. Holding each others hands, sneaking into your room whenever you were bored and play all those childish games with you. I wish I could be there when you were sitting in your room all alone when your parents were fighting and hug you all night.

I missed the happiest moments in your life, I missed all the ups and downs, all those times when you needed my love, needed the comfort you could find in my arms. I missed every moment. And here I stand in my tiny little prison cell, far away from you, writing you these lines. I didn't even get the chance of knowing you, touching you, kissing you. All my hands are tied and I am longing for the day we will meet. It is sad that all I can give you right now is my love.

I am hoping one day we will meet. I will drop my luggage to the ground as I run to your arms. I will hold you tight as if the death itself is trying to steal you from me. I will hold you tight and cry over your shoulder. Will drop all the tears I was saving for you all that time. I will let my tears flow like rivers. I will hold you tight and stay like that for minutes as if the time itself is frozen dead and I will re-imagine that moment everyday until the day I die.

I will take you to the places from your childhood. We will walk the streets you used to walk as a little girl while holding each others hands. We will visit all the places you used to visit as a teenager, and do all the things you used to do, taste all the food you used to eat, listen to all those songs you used to listen. We will visit all the schools you have been in, all the houses you lived in throughout your life, all the shops you have visited. We will walk through all the footsteps you left on the sidewalks of your previous life.

We will fly a kite over the green hills like two little children. I will push you while you are sitting on a swing. I will buy you a chocolate ice cream and enjoy the sunset while we are sitting on a wall. We will play with marbles and I will let you win every game we play. I will buy a balloon an let it fly to the air so I can get you a second one. I will pick up wildflowers for you with my own hands. I will teach you all the children's games I used to play, will teach you all the nursery rhymes I used to sing. We will do everything you couldn't do in your childhood. I will let my inner child take all the control. We will be like two children in adult bodies. Two carefree, joyful, innocent little children.

My love for you is the purest, most childish, most innocent thing a man can offer. It cannot be bought, cannot be forcefully taken, cannot be stained by all the filth our adult lives has put us through. I never loved anyone in my life more than you. I never said any of these words to any woman. And my love will never die despite all the pain I have been put through because of it.

One day I will leave this world like all the previous people. I am hoping it won't be soon. I am hoping I will get a chance to see you. But if I fail my promises, please remember me and keep my memories alive.

I love you.