wojak group hugging


Its been 1 year and 5 days ever since I started this blog. I was planning to write something about this on 22nd of July but I was lost in my head. It is maybe too late but I am gonna say a couple things anyways.

After more than 1 year I am still in the same phase. Nothing has changed in my life. 1 year is one hell of a time to change your life. But being a retard I am this never happened. I still go back to my old blog posts and read them time to time. I guess my writing has improved a little. As well as my English. I still feel like an idiot trying to speak it but I will never be as fluent in English as my native language. I accepted that fact.

I didn't say much about myself, who am I or where I live because I didn't think anyone would care. I mostly do this for myself. I love dumping whatever inside my head into webpages. It is good to see there are a couple people reading the stuff I write with my broken English. This is all I wanted. I wanted to create an internet artifact hidden deep inside the ones and zeros of this massive information dumpster yard. Maybe decades later someone finds this mess I created while diving deep into the bottom of internet.

I find it quite relaxing writing about stuff I was hiding inside my head for a long time. Things I was thinking about before falling into sleep. Total nonesense maybe, but my nonesense. I can read myself a lot better after going back to my old posts. What was going in my mind at the time, what made me think that way and whether I was wrong or not. Even though there are only a few people reading this shit, I love dumping whatever inside my head. By no means I think my opinions are important and should be shared by millions. After years of suffering from existential crisis, I came into conclusion that we are all very insignificant creatures as whole. I came into true realization of my place in this massive universe. And I made my peace with it.

Its been times I talked about very depressing shit and my suicidal tendencies. I really didn't mean to. Life is good. Life is worth living with all of its absurdity, cruelty and meaninglessness. I tried to stay positive and talk about nice stuff but I wasn't in that mood most of the time.

Starting this blog was the best decision I made in the last few years of my life. Writing has become one of my passions even though I suck at writing, specially in English. I have so much in my mind, so many stories I want to tell, so many ideas pushing the doors of my head to throw themselves out.

Writing gave me an opportunity to understand myself. There are lots of stuff I am hesitant to talk about. Maybe in the future, if I can overcome my fears I will talk about them. But for now I want to thank those people reading this blog and giving me nice feedback. Thank you all for your kind comments and emotional support.


You remember when I told you I see recurring dreams? I see one of my old friends over and over. I have seen him in my dreams at least 50 times now. He came to visit me once again today. Usually my dreams are dark and pale. But this one seemed more like a christmas movie. It was winter time. I was in a train station or something. There was a black locomotive hauling coal passing by me. And he was there, trying to jump on that train. After he saw me he came closer. We shook hands and hugged each other. He seemed quite happy to see me. We went inside one of the buildings. It was like an old storage room. We stopped in front of a broken window with iron bars. His nose was red because of cold and he was breathing out white mist. I told him "I knew I could find you here." As if I knew I was in a dream and I knew I could find him deep inside my head. Asked how is he doing. Didn't say anything at first. We stood there for a couple seconds while he was staring out the window with empty eyes. He was about to say something but I woke up.

A couple weeks ago I have seen another friend of mine. He was in a miserable condition. He seemed he had something like a head trauma and was having a hard time remembering things. Funny enough I don't even remember his name anymore. It is always the same story with these dreams. I see my old friends, they seem like they need my help but I wake up without doing anything. They always have that look in their eyes. Like they are hiding something, trying to talk but they are hesitant to say anything. Like they are hiding their pain. Avoiding eye contact and staring into emptiness. Like they are gonna cry if they try to open their mouths.

Why my subconsciousness is torturing me with these dreams? I know dreams are just dreams, but deep down I believe that these dreams are small pieces of a puzzle. I feel like if I could put them together I am gonna see whatever I am hiding deep inside my head.