doomer having a flashback


It is early in the morning and I was awake all night. Decided to take a walk, maybe talk to some random people. I was always a big idiot when it comes to ending a conversation but had no problem talking to any kind of people. Young, old, stupid, smart, people with bad mouth, people with clout… Been a long time since I actually talked to someone. But anyways, I don't actually have any social anxiety so I talked to random people. Mostly young ones, teenagers. Crazy how all they talk is how to get a job, how to make money easily, how to leave the sinking ship. I remember my teenage years, it wasn't this bad. All we talked about were stupid shit like videogames and sports. Living in a 3rd world shithole in the break of a collapse has side effects like this I guess. After talking to various kinds of people I hit the road. My destination was unclear. I was just walking.

I needed money but had none in my pocket, so I decided to find an ATM so I can go buy something to drink. After I did withdraw my money, I realized my old high school is nearby. I only spent the first year of high school in there, my memories of it are not so clear. Decided why not, why shouldn't I pay a visit to see how it looks today. And oh man how different it looks from the outside. Took me some time to even find the door.

I have seen a group of high school kids coming towards me. I asked if it is last day of the school, they said yes. They didn't seem to understand what a guy looking like a horse thief from wild west is doing in their school. I walked some more, there were 4 kids sitting on a bench and talking. I approached them. Asked if it is ok for me to take a look inside the school. They asked who am I willing to see. I said I graduated more than 5 years ago and just wanted to take a look inside. One of them asked "Did you miss your old school?". The answer was so obvious but I just said "No, not really, I am just walking by". We had a little chit chat, talked about my high school days. Talked about all the funny memories, talked about the teachers and how the school building has changed over the years. Learned that none of my teachers working there anymore. We sat there and talked for roughly 15 minutes before I decided to go inside.

The entrance seemed different. It was solid 8 years ago at least when I was a freshman year student. Of course it does change. Walked up the stairs. While I was walking, suddenly my memories kicked in. I have found myself in my old classroom in the 2nd floor. When I walked in everything looked the same. All the desks even all the carvings on them were sitting in there. I have found my old desk and sat there. Moments later my old friends started filling the room. I could hear them talking, could not tell what they were saying but I could see them all around me. All those faces suddenly appeared out of thin air but couldn't remember a single name. My old teacher was there, sitting on her desk changing the pages of a notebook or something. She doesn't seem to care all the noise all around her. A few moments later a tall chubby kid walked in. His shoelaces were sweeping the floor, he was messy as hell. He was wearing this baggy school uniform. Despite being in the middle of a summer he was wearing that stupid blue jacket and sweater. He directly walked towards me and sat next to me. He was complaining about some stupid shit. His grades, stupid problems he had with his family, some asshole friends of his. I listened to him until he stopped talking. Busted out a smirky laughter and said lets just leave.

The yard was already empty. We walked and walked. He did not say much and I did not want to disturb the silence. We jumped out the fence and took a shortcut to the internet cafe I used to go. We ran away from that gigantic dog chasing us every single time after landing the other side of the iron fence with sharp spikes. We could spend extra 5 minutes and take the long route, but this was more fun. We spent some time playing Counter Strike 1.6. We both sucked at FPS games but kept playing it anyways. Only if my nerdy friend planning to be a professional CS player was there to play with us. Later we decided to eat something. Stopped by a small fast food shop, ate a couple sandwiches. Just like I did every single day when I was a freshman. I got diarrhea so many times after eating there. But kept doing it anyways because all the kids were eating there. After finishing the sandwiches we hit the road again. We walked past all the narrow roads I used to walk. Stopped by a park. Just like me and my friends used to sit there and talk. I lit up a cigarette. He didn't want to smell like cigarettes, otherwise his parents could think that he is smoking. He was sitting on a bench next to me. Sun was shooting down its beautiful orange beams on the clouds, birds were chirping, not a single human being is on the sight. None of us dare to disturb this beautiful scene. We sat there for a while. None of us ever talked all this time.

He finally broke the silence and asked. "So tell me, how you ended up like this?". Had nothing to say. Didn't know where the childhood ended and the adulthood started. What the hell went wrong, how all that time has passed. So I said nothing. He understood. After I finished my cigarette, we stood up and I said goodbye to my old self. "Are we gonna see each other?" I asked. "No, I have things to do" he said and walked back to his school while I am standing there watching him disappear into nothingness.

The weather changed from warm afternoon with the orange sun to dark cloudy Friday morning. The internet cafe I used to go is now gone, same as the fast food shop. School is surrounded by tall concrete walls and plenty of new buildings, no more puny ass iron fence and an easy way to flee. And all my friends turned back into my memories where they remain the same even after all those years. They just look like as I remember them. Some of them visit me in my dreams time to time.


It is official now. I am a wage slave. It is manual labor kind of job and it is damn tiring. Been two days since I started. It is my first job. I worked here and there to help people ever since my childhood but never got a salary. I won't have as much time so I might not be able deliver blog posts for next couple months. I start working early in the morning and leave until the sun beats. Sometimes I will work until the midnight. Sometimes for a couple days. Sometimes I won't work at all for short periods of times. It is a nightmare job. I carry some heavy ass equipment for a small business. Sometimes I become a janitor, sometimes a construction worker, sometimes a cleaner, sometimes a technician. I hope I can find enough time to study because I did not leave my dream of becoming a web developer. I won't complain much about my newly earned job. Experience is experience and life is all about experience. Bad ones sometimes can be more beneficial. Only time will tell what kind of experience I will get out of this.