wojak in bed


Depression has some weird effects on your dreams. I had wildest nightmares and dreams of my life in my last few years. I most commonly see my old friends i lost the contact with in my dreams. And even if it is not a nightmare it makes me feel weird. In my childhood we were constantly moving, changing adresses and even changing cities every once in a while. Therefore i needed to say goodbye to many of my old friends. I met with a lot of different people. I had some good friendships and some horrible ones like anybody else. I can definitely say you meet with your best friends when you are at your absolute lowest. When i was living in a horrible little town with a lot of hostile people, i met with a lot of great friends, we were taking care of each other. I was in middle school at the moment. But as time passes by my friends were moving one by one. Eventually i ended up becoming best friends with the last remaining friend of mine. We were like minded kids at the moment. We did not lose contact even after we moved into different cities. But nobody remains same. Eventually he ghosted me after arguing over politics and religion. We did not hurt each other with mean words or anything. We were casually arguing. I was even super kind to him. It is unbelievable how a person you used to talk about childish stuff ends up being a radical extremist. Shortly after he learned that i am a filthy heretic he ended up ghosting me.

Years later, i casually see him in my dreams every once in a while. I probably saw him at least 15 times before. Everytime in a different place. But context is the same. He comes up from nowhere. Opens his arms, greets me with a smiling face. We hug each other. We talk about random stuff. He tells me that past is past and we are friends again. Then i wake up in the middle of a night with that weird feeling. And i stay awake all night thinking about my past. Thinking about what my old friends are doing now. I don't use any social media, i literally have no idea what my old friends are doing or where they are.

Sometimes i get most unexpected visitors in my dreams. Like my primary school friend. Primary school memories are very patchy and obscure for me. Shortly after i finished primary school we moved. Into other side of the country, quite literally. She visited me in my dream a couple years ago. When i was in a horrible mood and when i was quite lonely. I saw this dream about a year after i graduated from highschool. In my dream I was in a highschool, waiting for someone. The sky was cloudy and gray. It was almost night time. Kids were leaving one by one. Just when I thought everyone has left the entrance, i saw her. She was't the little girl i remember. She was an adult, but also i could recognize the every detail of her face. It is weird how clear her face was despite not having clear memories from my childhood. And seeing her as an adult was even weirder. How my brain aged her with this much precision is beyond me but anyways. After she saw me her pupils has grown. She was as surprised as me. She called my name and it was that moment i realised the bruises all over her face. It was almost like she has been beaten so badly. I asked what happened. Her attitude changed so fast. She said "nothing" and started to walk away. I followed her to the outside. Grabbed her by the arm. She turned her face towards me. She was crying and i can never forget that face. She was looking so desperate. I asked who did this. She refused to answer "You cannot help with that, please leave me alone" she said while sobbing. Sky was almost dark at that moment and school was empty. After that i woke up without being able to learn what happened to her. That dream fucked me up for a long while. I had some really wild dreams, but no dream i have ever seen in my life affected me this much. After that wild dream i tried to contact with her, tried to look for her on facebook, instagram and even twitter. I tried to google her name but had no luck. Still today i don't know where she is or what she is doing. Last time i contacted with her was via facebook when i was in middle school. This was long after i finsihed primary school. She told me that she had a crush on me. And told me that she has been changed a lot. Unfortunately i lost the contact with her once again. My facebook account was stolen by an asshole friend at the time. I gained my access back but forgot my new and complicated password. And this is how i lost the contact with her.

Last dream i saw was a quite normal one but made me feel weird nonetheless. I was back in highschool. We are getting freed from school. It is friday. Sun is beating down beautifully. I am with my highschool friends, i remember all the faces. We just finished an exam and leaving the school. Best feeling in the world. People are asking about how was the exam. Making jokes, talking to each other about some mundane stuff. We are walking together. I am thinking about the weekend and all the fun stuff i am gonna do (mostly playing videogames and watching youtube). Everything feels so real, i totally forget about i already graduated from highschool and spent my last 4-5 years without much human interaction. I forget about i am totally alone, struggling to keep my sanity, and being a total fucking loser. Reality hits me in the face after i wake up in my room in the middle of a night in almost total darkness. I am totally alone. And i realise i totally wasted my last few years. Most precious years of my life.


It's been almost a week after i wrote the homepage entry. I was busy trying to learn some HTML and CSS or should i say trying to relearn. It was almost a year ago when i learned basics of web development. I forgot to mention in my previous post that i am trying to become a full stack web developer. I decided to become a web developer almost a year ago. With some effort i learned some basic html and css. But after losing the track i totally forgot everything. My current web development skills are pretty damn lame as you can judge by the source code of this website. This is all i could learn in last few days. My old memories are coming back slowly and i gained some momentum in my learning process.

Last few days were pretty productive for me. Yesterday i spent my entire day relearning stuff i forgot and building this blog. And i start to feel like it was a good decision. I already feel relaxed after dumping all my brain diarrhea here. Doesn't even matter if nobody reads them. I used to write diary but lost all of it thanks to accidentally reformatting my hard drive. Yeah i made that mistake. I will never ever try to reformat my usb drive using command line ever again. I was able to save all the important stuff luckily. This gave me a lesson. Always backup your data.

I am having trouble with sleeping nowadays. Last 3-4 days i was getting maximum 5 hours of sleep every day. This is mostly because my fucked up sleep schedule. I sleep in the morning and trying to stay awake all night. Morning sleep is the worst. Hopefully i will be able to fix my sleep today.

My nicotine addiction doesn't wear off that easily. After i wrote the homepage entry i smoked another pack of cigarette. Now its been almost 4 days since i quit. This is my second attempt. I crave nicotine like crazy but enough is enough. That shit gave me and my wallet enough damage.